From Judgment to Understanding: Rejecting the ‘Should’ Mentality

Language is imprecise, yet it wields incredible power in shaping our thoughts, relationships, and self-perception. When someone starts “shoulding” on us, they’re not just offering advice—they’re encroaching on our autonomy, subtly suggesting that our choices, actions, or very being are somehow deficient. For 2025, let’s resolve to stop being Pharisees about life and practice a little more grace (and maybe a little less unsolicited advice).

1. The Weight of “Should”

• “Should” is a judgment disguised as guidance. It places an implicit burden of expectation that can create feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
• Matthew 7:1 reminds us, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” So why do we think it’s our job to “should” someone into submission?
• For example: “You should eat healthier now that you have cancer.” While well-meaning, this phrase can dismiss the complexity of someone’s emotions and choices in a vulnerable moment. Not everyone’s salvation lies in kale.

2. You Are What You Eat…Really?

• The saying “You are what you eat” oversimplifies human health. Sure, green grass smoothies are trendy, but Jesus said, “Man shall not live by bread alone” (Matthew 4:4), and I’m pretty sure He wasn’t talking about a diet of spirulina and wheatgrass.
• Suggesting a smoothie to someone battling cancer might feel like a helpful tip, but it can come across as dismissive of their struggle—and honestly, let’s not pretend it’s going to cure anything.

3. The Illusion of Control

• “Shoulding” often stems from a desire to fix, control, or impose our values on others. It’s a reaction to our discomfort with their pain or decisions.
• Instead of saying, “You should try this,” consider asking, “Would you be open to exploring this?” You’ll find it’s a lot less Pharisee and a lot more Jesus.

4. The Subtle Harm

• Words like “should” can imply that a person’s current state isn’t good enough. For someone already battling illness, grief, or personal challenges, this adds another layer of burden.
• Remember John 8:7: “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Maybe it’s time to drop our stones of judgment and pick up compassion instead.

5. Life Is More Than Minutes

• Even if a green smoothie adds a minute to someone’s life, is it worth the cost if it sours the moment? Quality of life often matters more than quantity.
• Let’s focus on presence, kindness, and shared joy rather than prescriptive solutions. I’m pretty sure no one wants their final moments to be haunted by the ghost of celery juice.

6. Shifting the Narrative

• Replace “should” with words that empower and respect. Try phrases like:
  • “Have you considered…?”
  • “What’s your perspective on…?”
  • “How can I support you?”

7. A Twinkle of Humor, a Dash of Sarcasm

• Life’s too short to be serious all the time—and it’s definitely too short to let someone else’s smoothie choices ruin your day. Let’s laugh at ourselves a little more in 2025.
• “Shoulding” on others is like spiritual junk food—it feels satisfying in the moment, but it’s not doing anyone any good.

8. Conclusion: Judge Not, Laugh More

• We all want the best for those we care about, but imposing our “shoulds” often creates unnecessary pressure. Instead, let’s practice empathy, curiosity, and respect—and remember that life’s greatest moments are found not in mandates but in mutual understanding and love.
• For 2025, let’s resolve to keep the Pharisees in the Bible where they belong and focus on being the kind of people others actually want to have around.