Feeling the pain…

This morning I am in pain. “How are you doing,” is one way that we greet each other. For the last month I have had a tough time answering that question honestly. I don’t have the option to curl up in a fetal position, suck my thumb and gaze at my navel. But the idea of that behavior does sound good to me. Last year I was having a rough time. With too much adrenaline flooding my system I was having trouble sleeping. I looked up adrenaline on Wikipedia, and surprise, surprise it is the hormone and neurotransmitter that is released into the brain chemistry that produces the fight or flight syndrome.

People seek the thrill that adrenaline produces by engaging in life-endangering activities like extreme sports and skydiving. With the shock of my wife’s recent death I am having a hard time sleeping. Coffee and energy drinks tend to postpone the inevitable crash and I am trying my best to manage this uninvited consequence of my current situation.

I am also sad. I cry. This seems appropriate, for sure. This is certainly a response to the situation that is normal. It is also a sign that the organic chemical and neurotransmitter, dopamine is low in my brain. Lots of us are sad on a chronic basis and we treat our sadness with medications and activities that are designed to increase the dopamine levels in our brain.

I am sad, I hurt, and I am having trouble sleeping. This is the season I am living in, and that’s okay. My sister had a good idea for me. She suggested that I respond to the question “How are you doing?” with this answer: “I am looking forward to the day.” I’ve been trying that today and it seems more honest and less socially threatening than the actual truth which is that I am sad, I am mourning, and life hurts right now.